Facing my Fear…

I’m sharing vulnerably with you in this post because I believe there is medicine in my experience not only for me, but for you as well! And if I’m going to call myself a ‘healer’ or a be a leader in my community, then it is my duty to not HIDE my experiences in order to preserve any kind of ‘image’ you might have created of me – or that I imagine you have created! (who has come to realise they create all kinds of stories in their minds which aren’t true? :D)

I’ve found in my life that I’ve tried to control how others perceive me (for fear of judgement or rejection) by not allowing them to see certain sides of me, which in the end alienates me from connection, and inhibits me from deeper connection in the community. My brain thinks it is keeping me ‘safe’ by doing this - safe so I don’t get hurt in-case I am rejected by you/the community for sharing my vulnerability.

But what this actually does is keeps me locked away, all by myself, in my own little horror hell of monkey-mind-mania, creating stories that aren’t true and not getting the connection I crave so deeply as a human being… 

Can you relate?

I’ve learnt that vulnerability is a super power. And so I am leading by example by being vulnerable with you! If I’m going to urge you to change and liberate yourself, then I would be a fraud if I don’t walk the talk.

So, here’s me walking it.

 There’s been a lot of changes happening for me lately and as I’ve begun to step more into my own authority and leadership as a Sound Healer and being seen more by the local community. As this happened I felt myself begin to grow more and more fearful.

Fear of judgement.

Fear of what you would think of me.

Fear that if I shared all the things I’ve been sharing on Instagram anyway for a long time now (and some things I haven’t shared!) that I would be seen as a weirdo, a kook, a crazy person, maybe even a bad person, by those I’m now meeting in real life…

There’s a certain security that comes with posting online, to just the WIDE open WORLD, but another thing for people you know in real life to see what you post!

This fear began to limit me, subconsciously. It started to make me feel contracted and constrained. I felt my people pleaser rearing her ugly little head (but really it’s my vulnerable inner child yearning for love and acceptance coming forward who’s just afraid).

All this energy was taking up space in my mind, body and life, crushing my spirit little by little without me realising.

Heap on-top of that chronic health issues I had ignored for years, letting go of a relationship that wasn’t serving me, having moved again within the last 6 months and a whole lot of residual stress I don’t think I’d even dealt with that has been building since 2020 and BOOM – my period hit and my mental health went haywire.

I tripped and fell deep down into a really difficult and dark place and I’m only now, nearly two weeks later coming out of the dark deep pit…I haven’t been able to work during this time, let alone sit here and write this letter to you, the pit was that deep.

 I wonder if you can relate to this experience?

You spend much of your life pushing and pushing and doing and keeping so very busy pursuing what you think will bring you happiness, that you don’t make the time to firstly assess if you’re even on the path you wish to be, let alone give yourself the time for inward reflection. You don’t make time for you…

So this is your invitation and reminder, to SLOW DOWN, to BREATH, to sit in SILENCE for a while and see where your HEART and SOUL is at.

I know ‘self-care’ gets thrown around A LOT these days and everyone harps on about it…But let’s break down that word shall we? As we get to know each other you will come to realise I love language, words and etymology (the study of the origin of words and the way in which their meanings have changed throughout history).

self | sɛlf | noun (plural selves | sɛlvz |) a person's essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action: our alienation from our true selves | guilt can be turned against the self | [mass noun] : language is an aspect of a person's sense of self.

care | kɛː | noun [mass noun] 1 the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something: the care of the elderly | the child is in the care of her grandparents.

Self – the you that is completely unique – the object of introspection

Care – giving yourself what is necessary for your health, welfare, maintenance, protection.

I’ve had a limited concept of self-care as being a morning or evening routine, where I do yoga, meditate and write in my journal…But I’ve recently become more aware of how my every action is either cultivating the supply of what is needed for my wellbeing, or not.

To me that is true self-care. The small, daily habits we have.

Self-care isn’t just a nice Epsom salt bath every once in a while, or a weekly Sound Healing – although these are super important and necessary for inward reflection! But daily, small acts of care for the self – moment by moment, is a great tool for transformation – as it leads you to creating the space for introspection – not just in the morning, or every Wednesday at a healing circle, but in every moment.

That may seem like a lot, but simply asking yourself ‘will this next action be an act of love for myself, or not?’. Often I don’t feel like cooking, but in making the time to create a healthy meal I am taking care of myself. I don’t always feel like going to the gym, but doing it is an act of love for myself.  Your tiny little habits, that come to rule your life can make or break your wellness…

If you have a habit that doesn’t lead to wellness, growth and joy then what is it leading to? It might not happen today, or in a few months, it could take years…but the actions you take will have results, either positive or negative so it’s a wonderful practice to start bringing awareness to your self - moment to moment.

When you take the time to have introspection – perhaps during those times in the mornings when you meditate or during a Sound Healing, you give ourselves the gift to assess yourself, your life, how you are moving through life, what’s really important to you…You can then move from that discovery into your daily life and ask yourself ‘is this action leading me towards what I desire?”. 

Your loving, humble Sound guide,

Anzjuli